My husband handed me the Sunday paper’s “funnies” section, and pointed to the comic strip Zits, by Jerry Scott and Jim Borgman. “Read this,” he said, with a grin, “it’s right on the money.” In the strip, a mom was attempting to communicate something she was really upset about to her teenage son, who was sitting next to his dad. The mom’s speech bubble was completely filled with words, all scrunched illegibly together. After the mom left the room in a huff, the dad stood up and rearranged the words in the mom’s speech bubble, reducing them to this: “Don’t be such a slob.” “Why didn’t she just say so?” asked the son. “You gotta listen closer,” replied the dad.
I chuckled when I read it, but ruefully.
Truth be told, communication between men and women can be challenging, even when we’re doing our best to get along. I’ve spent years researching the differences between the way men and women communicate (it’s what sparked my Stop Playing Small! and Claim the Stage! programming for women, among other training offerings), and it’s an endless source of fascination to me. What I’ve learned is that our listening, speaking, and leadership styles have been influenced by three things: Our respective wiring (e.g., women’s brains are apparently built to tend and befriend, work things out verbally, and create connections; men’s brains and higher degree of testosterone pushes them towards fight or flight, working things out internally, and leaping more quickly into action and solving problems); social and cultural conditioning (e.g., “Men lead, women support!” “Nice girls don’t talk back!”), and the rules of engagement learned on the school playing fields of our youth (e.g. driven to play more win-lose games of skill, boys learn to compete and lose and also to confront peers directly when wronged; Girls, on the other hand, tend to choose to hang out and talk in small groups, focus on keeping the peace and maintaining relationships, and avoid confrontation, choosing instead to shut down and pull away when wronged by another). These differences play out in all kinds of frustrating and challengng ways in the contemporary workplace
Since the reality of men and women working together is here to stay, I thought it would be helpful to share my three top tips to help you be seen and heard more effectively by the men in your lives.
Here they are:
1. Get to the point: Science tells us that girls are more verbal than boys from the get-go, using more words earlier in their development than their male counterparts. Since men tend to speak to give or get information, it is often confounding to them that we use so many words when we communicate (as the comic strip teasingly implies). One of the best things you can do to be clearly heard by a man is to be succinct and get to the point as quickly as possible. To do this, I suggest you work out and practice what you want to say before you step into an important meeting or conversation. I also suggest you consider practicing the “upside down pyramid” method. This involves starting with only the most essential pieces of information first, and then adding more information bit by bit as needed.
2. Say it like you mean it: Though there are many aspects to this directive that I could talk about, I want to focus on one that I have found many women struggle with: Speaking in declarative sentences. The dictionary defines a declarative sentence as one that “…makes a statement, provides a fact, offers and explanation or conveys information.” I think of it as a sentence that doesn’t lift up like a question at its end. Instead, from a sonic/audio standpoint, one’s voice goes down decisively at the end of the sentence when you speak it. It is in stark contrast with “up-speak” (otherwise known as “Valley Girl talk”) where one’s sentences are spoken as if each one is a question, ever when they aren’t (which I hear done by too many women—and men, too). There’s a big difference in tone and intent when I say “I’m Eleni Kelakos? And I run the Eleni Group?” lifting up the ends of my sentences, and “I’m Eleni Kelakos. And I run the Eleni Group.” The latter, spoken in a way where each sentence drops definitely down at the end (as in, “I mean it. Period.”) conveys a sense of confidence and ownership. The former implies uncertainty and the need for assurance from your listener. So, help your listener know you mean business by using more declarative sentences and banishing “upspeak.”
3. Cue them, when you need to yak things out: Women also tend to use their words to work out a solution to a problem, and to manage their stress. This can be very frustrating to the men in our lives, as they are wired to look for problems and solve them quickly. While we yak away, often in circles, in an effort to figure things out, they are wondering “What’s the point/problem? What do you need to me to fix?” One of the greatest gifts we can give them is to cue them that you simply need them to listen while you work things out verbally. I have done this with my husband for years, and it works like a charm. “Honey,” I’ll say, “would you mind sitting there while I talk something out? There’s nothing to fix and no problem to solve.” This takes relieves him of the need to come up with a solution and lets him feel he is doing something helpful by listening (which he is).
Since communication is a two-way street, let me assure you that, when I’m working with men, I make every effort to teach them their own version of these techniques so they can bridge the communication gap more effectively with women. That said, you can only control your side of the conversation. So, give these three suggestions a shot, and see if they help you in your efforts to shine even more brightly as the woman of power you know you are.
Use Your Words to Change Your World!
Because you matter. Your voice matters. And I believe in you.
Eleni Kelakos
The Speaker Whisperer™
President, The Eleni Group