Middle School… Junior High school… A prelude to therapy… whatever you want to call the place you spent most of your day during your pre-teen and early-teen years, it made its mark on you– for better or worse. According to research, much of our behavior and sense of self as women is cemented by the thought processes and behaviors we adopted during those tender years– behavior and though patterns that we're shaped most often by our peers. Many of us learned that we invited social disaster by standing out from or expressing a different option than our peer group. Desperate to fit in, we made sure to toe the line in the way we dressed, spoke and generally comported ourselves. Because if we didn't, we risked being shunned, bullied and gossiped about by our peers.
Too often, we learned to model bad behavior– teasing, bullying and gossiping- so we could fit in. Unwilling to speak directly to someone, for fear of direct conflict, we learned to talk about them behind their back. Because we sniped, snipped and gossiped about other girls, we assumed they were doing the same about us. And in so doing, we reinforced the idea that girls really can’t be trusted to support one another.This behavior continues in schools today, as attested by the recent public outcry about bullying, and popular movies like “Mean Girls.”
Unfortunately, it seems we don’t easily grow out of this deeply ingrained attitudes and beliefs. Many of my adult women friends and clients admit to being afraid of upsetting a female friend or colleague by speaking directly and truthfully to them, complaining that their sisters in the workplace tend to be more “vicious, competitive and mean-spirited” than their male counterparts and would probably turn on them. Others complain that they have been the subject of hurtful gossip, which has made them less willing to trust their female co-workers. It’s middle school all over again, in a business setting!
Carrying this kind of attitude into the workplace places huge emotional barriers between women. Instead of lending each other support, and honoring one another by speaking truthfully from our hearts, we hide behind our hands, hissing negative comments about others to other. Unfortunately, gossip– which could be defined as idle chitchat with a negative, inflammatory intent—causes conflict, increases stress and erodes trust. Which is not exactly helpful, healthy or productive in a work setting.
Do you gossip about others? Do you tend to mistrust your female colleagues, or speak ill about them behind their backs? If so, it’s time you shook off that middle school behavior and straightened up your act. After all, your behavior acts as a model for other women, and for other girls (like your daughter, granddaughter or niece). A mom who unconsciously backstabs or bitches about other women (or people in general) in the presence of her daughter, yet chastise her kid for gossiping about her friends, is sending mixed messages that are encourage negative, limiting behavior.
Take a good look at your behavior and your demeanor in the office at it relates to other women. If you are a Gossip Girl, take responsibility for changing your behavior. When an opportunity to initiate or participate in spreading a piece of potentially harmful gossip, close your mouth and walk away. If something is truly bothering you, have the courage to speak plainly and honestly with a colleague instead of sniping about them behind their back. Let’s not make the already challenging world of business worse for ourselves by tearing each other down. Treat yourself—and your female colleagues—with the dignity you – and they–deserve.