Back when I was a young actor in NYC, I heard someone describe auditions in a way that made every performer in the room nod in painful recognition:
- There’s the audition you practice on the way there—the ideal version.
- There’s the audition you actually deliver—the real-life version.
- And then there’s the audition you replay on the way home—the “why didn’t I do it like THIS?” version.
Sound familiar?
That post-talk, post-pitch, post-presentation spiral where you mentally beat yourself into a pulp with shoulda, coulda, woulda?
Yep. I’ve lived it, too—as an actor, singer, and speaker.
And if you’re a speaker, leader, or presenter, you’ve almost certainly experienced your own version of this mental loop.
Why We Waste So Much Time on Negative Post-Talk Thoughts
We spend hours dissecting what didn’t go well—what we said, what we didn’t say, how we felt, what we forgot, what we wished had happened. We roll and roll and roll in the discomfort until the entire speaking experience feels ruined.
But here’s the problem:
When you obsess over what went wrong, you skip right past everything that went right.
Maybe your nerves were better.
Maybe a story landed beautifully.
Maybe the audience nodded along and stayed engaged.
When you ignore those wins, you reinforce unhelpful beliefs like:
- “I’m terrible at presenting.”
- “Speaking is stressful.”
- “I always mess it up.”
Think those thoughts often enough, and they become subconscious defaults—shaping your future speaking experiences before you even begin.
Why We’re So Hard on Ourselves
Many leaders and speakers are far harsher on themselves than they’d ever be on someone else. I hear it all the time from my presentation coaching clients—they cling tightly to what went wrong and skip right over what went well.
That’s when I redirect them to the second of my Four Questions…
The Four Questions: A Kinder, Smarter Debrief
After any pitch, presentation, or important conversation, ask yourself:
- Did I meet my intention?
(What was I there to do in service to my audience?) - What went better than I expected?
(Yes—something did go well.) - What didn’t go so well?
(Acknowledge it, but don’t drown in it.) - What can I do differently next time?
(The growth question.)
If you spend less time swimming in Question #3 and more time embracing Question #2, you avoid the negativity spiral. And when you ask Question #4, you transform every talk into a growth opportunity.
Be Kinder to Yourself Post-Presentation
Remember:
There is always another stage, another room, another audience.
There is always another chance to refine, adjust, and strengthen your skills.
Every speaking experience—smooth or messy—is a step forward.
So the next time you’re tempted to tear yourself apart after a talk, pause. Shift. Celebrate. Learn. Grow. And carry those “good for me!” moments into your next spotlight opportunity.
Ready to elevate your presence and presentation skills?
Let’s find time to talk.
Join me every other Wednesday at 3 PM EST on LinkedIn Live, where I dive into tools and techniques from my award-winning, best-selling book Charismatic Presence: 5 Principles For Magnetic Presentations.
📘 P.S. Buy my new book, Charismatic Presence: Five Principles for Magnetic Presentations
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Eleni Kelakos, CSP The Speaker Whisperer®