I rushed into a restaurant, flustered and overwhelmed, caught in the whirlwind of a hectic day, week, and month. As I approached the host stand, I quickly mentioned that I was meeting a friend for lunch. The host glanced at his seating chart and replied, “We haven’t seated any parties of one. It looks like you’re the first to arrive; why don’t I have your waitress show you to a table?”
Without processing his words, I instinctively responded, “I’ll go look for my friend,” and bolted into the dining room, scanning for her familiar face. But after a quick look around, realization hit—I had just been told she hadn’t arrived yet. The host had already given me the answer, but I hadn’t truly listened.
The Humbling Moment
Embarrassed, I retraced my steps back to the host, who greeted me with a knowing smile. “I’m so sorry,” I admitted. “I didn’t actually hear what you said.”
“Happens all the time,” he shrugged, leading me to a table for two. As I sat waiting for my friend, I reflected on how often I listen without really hearing. Ironically, as someone who teaches communication skills, this moment was a stark reminder that even the best listeners can slip into bad habits.
How Often Do We Listen Without Really Hearing?
We tend to hear what we expect rather than what is actually being said. I assumed my friend was already there, so I unconsciously reshaped the host’s words to fit my expectation. Had I been fully present, I would have understood him correctly the first time.
Even those of us who pride ourselves on being good listeners can occasionally fall into patterns of selective hearing. That’s why it’s crucial to remain vigilant in our listening habits—because listening is just as important as speaking.
Listening Is as Important as Speaking
As a coach and trainer, I help business leaders communicate with confidence and impact. While speaking well is essential, being an effective listener is just as critical. Strong leaders understand that communication is a two-way street, and failing to truly hear others can lead to significant consequences, such as:
- Weakened Relationships – Poor listening fosters misunderstandings, conflicts, and a lack of trust, ultimately damaging professional and personal relationships. Trust is essential for collaboration and buy-in from colleagues and stakeholders.
- Lost Ideas, Less Innovation – When we don’t listen deeply, we miss out on valuable insights, opportunities, and the underlying messages people convey. These missed moments can stifle creativity and innovation.
- Costly Miscommunication – According to a 2021 SHRM study, miscommunication costs companies around $420,000 per year for businesses with about 100 employees. The financial impact of not listening is real and significant.
Four Ways to Listen and Really Hear
If you want to enhance your listening skills, here are four techniques I recommend:
- Listen Wholistically – Engage fully with the speaker using your eyes, ears, and heart. Listening is a full-body experience—be present and receptive.
- Listen Without Judgment – The more we judge someone, the more barriers we create between us. Stay open and curious, rather than forming premature opinions. People can sense when they are being judged, even if it’s unspoken.
- Listen to Learn – Shift your focus from trying to convince someone of your viewpoint to genuinely understanding theirs. Ask yourself, “What can I learn from this person’s perspective?” Feeling heard is a powerful human need.
- Listen Actively – Show engagement by nodding, maintaining eye contact, and responding thoughtfully. Encourage deeper conversation by saying, “Tell me more,” or paraphrasing what they’ve said to confirm understanding.
Are You a Good Listener?
Take a moment to reflect. Do you truly listen when others speak, or are you often distracted by your own thoughts, waiting for your turn to talk? Are you fully present, or do you only half-hear what someone is saying?
Commit to Listening to Hear
I challenge you to practice deep listening in the coming days. Whether it’s a colleague, a family member, or even a stranger, pause, be still, and truly listen. Use your eyes, ears, and heart to connect. When we make a conscious effort to listen and really hear, we create stronger relationships, enrich our conversations, and become better communicators.
Want to improve your leadership listening skills? Let’s find a time to talk. Let’s connect!
Eleni Kelakos, CSP The Speaker Whisperer®