The Art of Saying No

Eleni KelakosPublic Speaking, Relationship Communication, Self Help, Strategic Tips

Have you ever found yourself agreeing to a favor or request when you really wanted to say no? Maybe it’s accepting an invitation for coffee with an acquaintance you don’t particularly get along with, volunteering to chaperone a school outing when you’d rather not, or taking on an additional project that will overload your already heavy workload. I know I have!

Many of us struggle with this dilemma, often saying yes to things that don’t align with our true feelings or even our capacity. Award-winning professor and researcher Vanessa Patrick sheds light on why this happens in her insightful book, The Power of Saying No: The New Science of How To Say No That Puts You In Charge Of Your Life.

So, Why Do We Say Yes When We’d Rather Say No?

In a recent appearance on Shankar Vedantam’s excellent podcast, Hidden Brain, Patrick explored why we so frequently agree to requests even when we’d prefer to decline. Her research highlights that we often say yes because we are inherently social creatures who value strong social bonds. We believe that saying yes to requests, even unreasonable ones, is essential for being liked, respected, and included. As Patrick notes, “Saying no is a major harmony buster!”

Interestingly, Patrick’s research reveals that our comfort with saying no is influenced by our relationship with the requester. We are more inclined to say no to strangers (like an unexpected door-to-door salesperson) and more comfortable declining requests from people we know well, knowing that the relationship can withstand a no. However, we find ourselves stuck in what Patrick describes as “the acquaintance trap”—when dealing with someone we are still in the process of building a relationship with. In these situations, we often struggle the most to say no.

Public scenarios or high-stakes situations, such as when someone on a flight asks you to give up your aisle seat or when your boss makes a last-minute request before you leave for the day, further complicate our ability to say no. In these moments, it can feel nearly impossible to refuse, even if it makes us uncomfortable.

Who Says Yes To Requests More Often? Men or Women?

Patrick’s research also delves into gender differences in saying no. She found that in “social ask” scenarios—where a request is made in front of others—both men and women feel more pressure to comply. However, in “solo ask” situations—where the request is made one-on-one—men tend to feel more comfortable saying no than women do. Women, it seems, are more likely to say yes, especially in professional settings. This tendency may stem from the social conditioning of women to be more nurturing and accommodating than men.

How Do You Say No Gracefully?

So, what can you do when faced with a request you’d rather decline? How can you say no gracefully?

Here are five effective ways to say no, taken from Dr. Sherene McHenry’s excellent book, Pick: Choose to Create a Life You Love.:

  1. “No.” (As Dr. McHenry puts it, “It’s a complete response.”)
  2. “No, thank you.” (A slightly more polite option.)
  3. “I can’t, but thanks for asking.”
  4. “Let me get back with you.” (Ideal if you need time to consider your response.)
  5. “Thanks for thinking of me. I’m flattered, but I can’t do it.”

Before responding, consider these questions suggested by Dr. McHenry:

  • “Am I the only one who can do this?”
  • “Will doing this help me achieve my dreams?”
  • “Do I have the resources?”
  • “Can I do it cheerfully?” (My favorite.)

These questions can help you make a decision that aligns with your true feelings and capacity. Whether you decide to say yes or no, the right choice for you is the one that feels sincere–and often empowering.

Remember, you have only so much time and energy to spare. Learn to say no when necessary, without apology. The more you practice, the easier it becomes.

Need help enhancing your communication and presentation skills? Let’s schedule a time to chat!

Eleni Kelakos, CSP The Speaker Whisperer®