When it comes to communication and presentation skills, I’m passionate about coaching and training everyone equally. Today, though, I want to focus on an area that’s particularly relevant for women in my audience: the art of interrupting and holding your ground in conversations. These skills can be pivotal in ensuring your voice is heard, especially when it matters most.
I dive into this topic in my book, Claim the Stage: A Woman’s Guide to Speaking Up, Standing Out, and Taking Leadership. Let me share a story from the book that illustrates why this skill is so crucial:
Vanessa, a talented IT professional in her late twenties, was feeling incredibly frustrated. “I’m sick to death of being interrupted by the guys I work with,” she vented. “They talk loudly, talk over me, and I can’t get a word in edgewise.” This issue was especially acute in meetings with their boss, where Vanessa felt invisible.
Listening to Vanessa’s frustration, I couldn’t help but smile. It wasn’t about her ability to communicate; she just needed to learn how to insert herself confidently into high-stakes conversations and maintain clear boundaries when speaking.
Vanessa hesitated, saying, “But I don’t like to interrupt. It’s not polite.”
My response was straightforward: “You’re not the first woman I’ve heard speak those words, and you won’t be the last…Frankly, it may not be polite, but you’re still going to have to do it.” Men tend to interrupt women 33% more often than they interrupt other men, a phenomenon known as ‘manterrupting.’ They’re unlikely to stop just because you prefer not to interrupt. Instead, think of it as assertively and gracefully inserting yourself into a conversation without letting the moment slip away.
Practice Makes Habit
We worked on various strategies to help Vanessa break through interruptions and assert her presence:
- Firm Interruption: Vanessa practiced using phrases like, “Excuse me, but I haven’t finished speaking yet,” with a strong, confident tone.
- Assertive Posture: She learned to sit up straight, with shoulders back and head high, taking up more space in her chair to project authority.
- Clear Speech: Vanessa focused on speaking loudly enough to be heard and structuring her points in clear, declarative sentences.
To build her confidence, I suggested she start practicing these techniques in a low-stakes environment: her book club. She let her fellow members know she was working on being more assertive and asked for their support. This practice paid off, and Vanessa soon felt more confident speaking up in work meetings. This ultimately led to her achieving her goal of finally being heard and valued in critical conversations.
Beware of the Pitfall of Politeness
It’s essential to recognize and guard against what I call “the Pitfall of Politeness.” This is the tendency to avoid interrupting or asserting oneself due to concerns about being impolite. Remember, you can be firm and polite simultaneously. Here are some phrases to help you assert yourself:
To Step Into a Conversation:
- “Excuse me, I have something I’d like to say.”
- “Excuse me, I’d like to add to what you just said.”
When Interrupted:
- “I’m still talking.” (A phrase recently used by Kamala Harris during a campaign rally)
- “Excuse me, but I haven’t finished speaking yet!”
- “Hang on!” or “Let me finish!” (Commonly used by my husband, Jim, who dislikes being interrupted)
On a related note, when I coach my male clients I advise them to be mindful of their communication habits. Men should strive to avoid talking over or interrupting their female colleagues and actively invite their input with statements like, “Margie, I’d love to hear your thoughts on this,” or “Tonia, please finish your point; it’s important.”
Whether you’re interrupting or being interrupted, speak clearly and assertively. Take the risk to be heard by mastering the art of interrupting when necessary and standing your ground when interrupted. Your voice matters, and you deserve to express your thoughts fully.
Remember, what you have to say is important.
Eleni Kelakos, CSP The Speaker Whisperer®